In the time it’s taken me to get back to this blog I’ve been
through a lot. I’ve lost my footing and stumbled, more like face planted half
the time. I’m not out of the woods yet, but during the Lenten season I gained
some perspective on the power of prayer and what it really means to be a
disciple of Christ.
Lent is a time of fasting from and praying for the removal
of what gets in the way of your relationship with God. In addition, it’s time
to spend with God and ask Him what you need. Now nowhere in the Bible does it
say that a maintaining a relationship with God is easy, although I spent ninety
percent of Lent wishing it did. The Bible does say, however, that through it
all God is with us.
“I will never forsake you or
abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 NAB
I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time remembering
that in a struggle.
For Lent I gave up putting myself down and by the third week
I was stressing. Then, my relationship with a guy ended in heartbreak. And as
if I needed anything else to deal with, I found out I have a heart condition.
In short, my Lenten experience was going downhill fast.
I felt like I was weak, out of control, and forgotten: three
things that I hated feeling and refused to admit. I went into Easter angry with
myself for failing and feeling like an idiot. I didn’t understand what the
message of this struggle was and didn’t really care. All I knew was that I was
thoroughly unhappy.
A week later I found myself sitting in the Blessed Sacrament
chapel reading a reflection on discipleship with the rest of the leadership
team. The whole time I was uncomfortable because I knew whom I was in front of
and that I wanted to leave. It felt awkward being in front of the Lord in that
moment. In my head I kept saying things like “Why am I even here?” and “I want
to leave, but I can’t leave that’d be rude.”
I was forced to sit there in that silent awkwardness and
listen to the Lord. I had to confront my bitterness and ask the Lord for help.
I hated asking for help. My pride is so consuming at times that I would rather
suffer than admit I need help with something. To me I was admitting I was weak
which made me feel inadequate and I can’t stand being inadequate.
And of course what were we discussing in that moment, Luke
9:46-48, the story of the apostles arguing about who is the greatest. As much
as I hate when the Lord calls me out and says, “Wake up and pay attention!” I
love that He does it in a loving way. I went home that night and prayed hard. I
sat in His embrace and heard in my heart, “You’re not the only one going
through this valley. Others have been here and you need to ask for help. You
need to ask for prayers.”
As I said before, I hate asking for help, but I know better
than to disobey the Lord in this moment. I need your prayers so I can move on
from this. But it’s not that I just need them, I want them. I know that prayer
is our greatest weapon and the best medicine; I’d be foolish to not ask for
pride’s sake.
Thank you prayer warriors.
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