Wanted: Prayer

In the time it’s taken me to get back to this blog I’ve been through a lot. I’ve lost my footing and stumbled, more like face planted half the time. I’m not out of the woods yet, but during the Lenten season I gained some perspective on the power of prayer and what it really means to be a disciple of Christ.

Lent is a time of fasting from and praying for the removal of what gets in the way of your relationship with God. In addition, it’s time to spend with God and ask Him what you need. Now nowhere in the Bible does it say that a maintaining a relationship with God is easy, although I spent ninety percent of Lent wishing it did. The Bible does say, however, that through it all God is with us.

“I will never forsake you or abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 NAB

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time remembering that in a struggle.

For Lent I gave up putting myself down and by the third week I was stressing. Then, my relationship with a guy ended in heartbreak. And as if I needed anything else to deal with, I found out I have a heart condition. In short, my Lenten experience was going downhill fast.

I felt like I was weak, out of control, and forgotten: three things that I hated feeling and refused to admit. I went into Easter angry with myself for failing and feeling like an idiot. I didn’t understand what the message of this struggle was and didn’t really care. All I knew was that I was thoroughly unhappy.

A week later I found myself sitting in the Blessed Sacrament chapel reading a reflection on discipleship with the rest of the leadership team. The whole time I was uncomfortable because I knew whom I was in front of and that I wanted to leave. It felt awkward being in front of the Lord in that moment. In my head I kept saying things like “Why am I even here?” and “I want to leave, but I can’t leave that’d be rude.”

I was forced to sit there in that silent awkwardness and listen to the Lord. I had to confront my bitterness and ask the Lord for help. I hated asking for help. My pride is so consuming at times that I would rather suffer than admit I need help with something. To me I was admitting I was weak which made me feel inadequate and I can’t stand being inadequate.

And of course what were we discussing in that moment, Luke 9:46-48, the story of the apostles arguing about who is the greatest. As much as I hate when the Lord calls me out and says, “Wake up and pay attention!” I love that He does it in a loving way. I went home that night and prayed hard. I sat in His embrace and heard in my heart, “You’re not the only one going through this valley. Others have been here and you need to ask for help. You need to ask for prayers.”

As I said before, I hate asking for help, but I know better than to disobey the Lord in this moment. I need your prayers so I can move on from this. But it’s not that I just need them, I want them. I know that prayer is our greatest weapon and the best medicine; I’d be foolish to not ask for pride’s sake.

Thank you prayer warriors.

Fruits of Your Labor

One of the many joys of working with kids is knowing you’re doing something good, something that may change their lives. Seldom will you see the fruits of your labor, but when you do it is something amazing. When you’ve seen the impact you’ve made on someone’s life it reenergizes you when you’re ready to quit. I have to say the glimpses I’ve seen have kept me going for some time now. But as I begin my certification in less than a week I am reflecting on them more and more.

The first time a kid said I inspired them was probably in my high school youth group. We had ended group for the night and I asked him how his week went. He told me he had to write a paper and that he actually enjoyed it. After some conversation he told me the paper was about someone who was a “Living Saint”. He had written the paper about me. At the time I’m not sure I was as appreciative as I should’ve been, but after all this time I’m still in awe. This instance really committed me to living out God’s plan for me. Honestly, without it I doubt I’d still be pursuing a career in youth ministry.

The most recent one was between my sister, Erin, and I over Facebook. Now, our relationship has suffered since I moved out, but we’ve been seeing each other a lot recently. Last night she posted one of those “truth is” statuses and I liked it just for fun. Normally people don’t really tell you the truth, but this time she did. I cried when read what she wrote on my wall. The message said, “The truth of one Emma: You are a very good person inside and out. I realize that I could be a better sibling to you. I also realize your frustrations are truly real. I thank you for being my guide through this world because you are the oldest and will experience most of the world before me.” More often than not I have neglected my family while ministering to others.  But she still had something truly real to say after everything we’ve been through. That's us in a face off in the picture above.

These are the two events that really stick out to me and I’m sure there are countless others, but in the words of Soren Kierkegaard, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Everyone will have similar events in their own lives, but you may not realize it at the time. With this we must live because of these events rather than dwell on topping them. No one will ever give me a better feeling than the one my sister gave me as I read that sentiment, but I’m still going to keep ministering. These wonderful lives I’ve touched give me hope for the future and remind me that we are all a part of something bigger. 

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Uncommon Kindness

Yesterday something truly inspiring happened. My neighborhood is full of nosy people who call the city if your yard isn't up to snuff. This particular man that calls on us lives five houses down and walks up to our home to stare at our yard. He doesn't do this to anyone else because we're the only ones that call him out. Anyway, we got one of these nasty signs in our yard saying we had five days to clean up the yard. This isn't such a big deal since there's like one patch of weeds that needs done.

It was blazing hot yesterday morning so I planned on going out and working when it was cool at night. About two o'clock I hear my neighbor's lawn mower get really loud. The nice neighbor across the street had been mowing his lawn all morning. Since he's an older man I was worried he hit something. As I look out my window he rides past on his lawnmower.

This sixty something year old man road his lawn mower across the street to mow my lawn. I was astounded. It's not everyday someone in this neighborhood helps someone out. I brought him water and thanked him and checked on him periodically from the window. He just kept going and going for hours on end. Finally, I heard him ride his lawn mower home.

Just as I was sure he was done he came back and cleaned out the space up by the drive. There are always chewing tobacco tins and trash from kids and he got them out of the drain. Now, by this time he had already been outside for two of three hours in eighty degree weather. I had to persuade him to go home and take a break.

When I asked him why he was doing this he said it was to repay my family's kindness. For years we had helped each other out and yesterday we got to see how much we had done for each other. When his mother still lived there we always made that house our first stop for trick or treating. My mother and her would talk on a regular basis and just shoot the breeze. She even mowed their lawn when our neighbor had a broken arm and wasn't able to mow in time to get a similar sign out of his yard.

Both family's have been uncommonly kind to each other in a world that forgets we all fall on hard times. I am grateful for his kindness and even more grateful that we've lived across from each other for these past seventeen or eighteen years. Sometimes we get frustrated and ask God things like why we live in such a hateful world. I've asked Him that a lot lately, but yesterday he showed me there is hope.

To my neighbor, thank you.