And God Gave Me Rest

This picture perfectly describes the last month & a half. I know this is what exhaustion looks like. Ever since I returned to Washington I've been on the move, literally. The first thing I did was move from one missionary house to another in less than twelve hours after I got off the plane. I compiled donations from this house. I cleaned up that one. I enlisted plenty of my hoodlums to move furniture. And I freaked out... I felt an urgency that no one put on me. I was even told, "Take a day or two. Get caught up on sleep." But I was overwhelmed because I wanted things to be perfect...

Despite the onset of frustration I just threw myself into more tasks seeking perfection. I staffed the Ignite Your Torch Northwest conference in Olympia, WA for the second year and it was a great conference, but I couldn't enjoy it. I spent the majority of my time before the conference working from 9:30 AM until 2 AM over & over again. During the conference I was too concerned about trivial things like lost name tags. I should've picked up a Sharpie & handed it to an organizer to deal with it, but instead I stressed everyone out around me.

The next week I was prepping for our Teen Confirmation registration program & for our American Heritage Girls camping trip to Whidbey Island, WA. I have to admit the camping trip was fun, but I kept checking my phone as if someone else needed me besides my girls. The one night I had there I spent responding to emails, txts, & Facebook messages until the wee hours of the morning. With little sleep I wasn't much use to the AHG girls or leaders.

Then, I went on a three day mission trip to volunteer as a member of the 300 to support the organization 4US with very little left to give. The trip was amazing & so joy filled, but again I couldn't fully enjoy it. My sleep was wasted again responding to emails, txts, & Facebook messages. When I returned I looked like I'd run into a brick wall. By all accounts I looked tired, mad, and/or upset and I probably was.

Yesterday, at the team overnight with all five of us missionaries I finally fell asleep. For three hours I was knocked out on the couch. I can't remember the last time I slept that long in the middle of the day. I had been begging God to show me what was wrong & He gave me sleep.

Jesus said,  "Come to me, all you who labor & are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

And he reminded me of something Br. Declan Gibson told me at the Ignite Your Torch NW conference: "You must safe guard your prayer with a barbed wire fence & make time for GOD. You could do every good & holy thing and still be distant from God. Emma, even if the pope asked you to do something & it interfered with your prayer time you'd have to respond with, "I'm very sorry Holy Father, but Jesus is calling me to pray. He deserves that time because He bought my life & you're just the pope."

I kicked off my second year of mission with pride thinking I could do it all. I failed to share with or even ask Jesus what he wanted from me. So like a wise parent He tucked me in & made me sleep even though I went kicking & screaming. I am so glad He did & I am so sorry for my foolishness. I can't do it all & I can't do anything without Christ. Like Br. Declan said, "Jesus deserves & wants my time & presence." He wants & needs it more than anyone else. So, I resolve to rededicate my life to Christ & make more time for HIM. How can I even claim to know Him when we've spent so little time together?

Spend time with Jesus because HE loves you so much that He died for you. He deserves your time more than anyone else.

To My Fathers

St. Joseph & the child Jesus

God has always provided me with wonderful male role models that have guided me. So, in honor of Father's Day I had to make a list of all the reasons why I love my father & brother figures. Here they are:

1. You teach me.
2. You call me out.
3. You pray for me.
4. You build me up.
5. You pray with me.
6. You make me laugh.
7. You won't let me give up.
8. You pray for my ministry.
9. You give me the best advice.
10. You lead me closer to Christ.
11. You make me feel like family.
12. You show me how to fix things.
13. You always pay for lunch & dinner.
14. You protect me & make me feel safe.
15. You teach me how to love like Christ.
16. You have the corniest sense of humor.
17. You challenge me to be & do the best I can.
18. You drive me to the airport at ridiculous hours.
19. You make me smile all the time, even when I'm upset.

Again, Happy Father's Day to all of my wonderful father figures! Thank you for praying for me & always loving me. My life has been blessed by your presence & support. I could not be as strong & faith filled without you. May you continue to follow in St. Joseph's example of selfless service & spiritual foster fatherhood. 

Love, Emma

Want to know more about spiritual fatherhood? Click here: 

http://www.mncc.org/spiritual-motherhood-and-fatherhood/

34 Hours and 28 Minutes

Two months ago I packed up my life and walked into the Dayton International airport to leave for a ten month internship in Bremerton, WA. My mother drove me there and waited with me as I checked my bags. We walked to the security line and I fiddled with my ticket trying to think of something to say. She just asked if I had everything and stuffed a few extra snacks into my carry-on.

Before I knew it she looked at me with tears behind her purple reading glasses. We hugged each other hoping to make the hug last until my Christmas break in December. Soon it was time to go and she just smiled and said, "I love you. Have a good time." I'm still not sure how she did that without crying, but then again mothers are superheroes.

I'm sure that's one of the hardest things either of us have done, but what amazes me is that we weren't scared. She knew God would watch over me and I knew he'd watch over her. This is the definition of faith; knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that God has your best interests at heart. God has given the two of us so much grace through this journey.

Though we're thirty four hours and twenty eight minutes, if I got in my car and drove, our relationship has never been stronger. God called the two of us to this journey and has blessed us since that first prayer.

Wanted: Prayer

In the time it’s taken me to get back to this blog I’ve been through a lot. I’ve lost my footing and stumbled, more like face planted half the time. I’m not out of the woods yet, but during the Lenten season I gained some perspective on the power of prayer and what it really means to be a disciple of Christ.

Lent is a time of fasting from and praying for the removal of what gets in the way of your relationship with God. In addition, it’s time to spend with God and ask Him what you need. Now nowhere in the Bible does it say that a maintaining a relationship with God is easy, although I spent ninety percent of Lent wishing it did. The Bible does say, however, that through it all God is with us.

“I will never forsake you or abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 NAB

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time remembering that in a struggle.

For Lent I gave up putting myself down and by the third week I was stressing. Then, my relationship with a guy ended in heartbreak. And as if I needed anything else to deal with, I found out I have a heart condition. In short, my Lenten experience was going downhill fast.

I felt like I was weak, out of control, and forgotten: three things that I hated feeling and refused to admit. I went into Easter angry with myself for failing and feeling like an idiot. I didn’t understand what the message of this struggle was and didn’t really care. All I knew was that I was thoroughly unhappy.

A week later I found myself sitting in the Blessed Sacrament chapel reading a reflection on discipleship with the rest of the leadership team. The whole time I was uncomfortable because I knew whom I was in front of and that I wanted to leave. It felt awkward being in front of the Lord in that moment. In my head I kept saying things like “Why am I even here?” and “I want to leave, but I can’t leave that’d be rude.”

I was forced to sit there in that silent awkwardness and listen to the Lord. I had to confront my bitterness and ask the Lord for help. I hated asking for help. My pride is so consuming at times that I would rather suffer than admit I need help with something. To me I was admitting I was weak which made me feel inadequate and I can’t stand being inadequate.

And of course what were we discussing in that moment, Luke 9:46-48, the story of the apostles arguing about who is the greatest. As much as I hate when the Lord calls me out and says, “Wake up and pay attention!” I love that He does it in a loving way. I went home that night and prayed hard. I sat in His embrace and heard in my heart, “You’re not the only one going through this valley. Others have been here and you need to ask for help. You need to ask for prayers.”

As I said before, I hate asking for help, but I know better than to disobey the Lord in this moment. I need your prayers so I can move on from this. But it’s not that I just need them, I want them. I know that prayer is our greatest weapon and the best medicine; I’d be foolish to not ask for pride’s sake.

Thank you prayer warriors.

Uncommon Kindness

Yesterday something truly inspiring happened. My neighborhood is full of nosy people who call the city if your yard isn't up to snuff. This particular man that calls on us lives five houses down and walks up to our home to stare at our yard. He doesn't do this to anyone else because we're the only ones that call him out. Anyway, we got one of these nasty signs in our yard saying we had five days to clean up the yard. This isn't such a big deal since there's like one patch of weeds that needs done.

It was blazing hot yesterday morning so I planned on going out and working when it was cool at night. About two o'clock I hear my neighbor's lawn mower get really loud. The nice neighbor across the street had been mowing his lawn all morning. Since he's an older man I was worried he hit something. As I look out my window he rides past on his lawnmower.

This sixty something year old man road his lawn mower across the street to mow my lawn. I was astounded. It's not everyday someone in this neighborhood helps someone out. I brought him water and thanked him and checked on him periodically from the window. He just kept going and going for hours on end. Finally, I heard him ride his lawn mower home.

Just as I was sure he was done he came back and cleaned out the space up by the drive. There are always chewing tobacco tins and trash from kids and he got them out of the drain. Now, by this time he had already been outside for two of three hours in eighty degree weather. I had to persuade him to go home and take a break.

When I asked him why he was doing this he said it was to repay my family's kindness. For years we had helped each other out and yesterday we got to see how much we had done for each other. When his mother still lived there we always made that house our first stop for trick or treating. My mother and her would talk on a regular basis and just shoot the breeze. She even mowed their lawn when our neighbor had a broken arm and wasn't able to mow in time to get a similar sign out of his yard.

Both family's have been uncommonly kind to each other in a world that forgets we all fall on hard times. I am grateful for his kindness and even more grateful that we've lived across from each other for these past seventeen or eighteen years. Sometimes we get frustrated and ask God things like why we live in such a hateful world. I've asked Him that a lot lately, but yesterday he showed me there is hope.

To my neighbor, thank you.

1,000 Pageviews

So in celebration of over 1,000 page views from 10 countries I decided to post one of my favorite videos. Being able to have fun and bond over things is key in any faith. The best relationships I have in church related groups were started by something funny.

Thankfulness is another aspect of the Catholic faith and that's why I want to thank you. I appreciate the comments on and off the blog. Every time one of my followers tells me they are inspired I am so humbled.

This blog was started in the hopes that it would inspire others and clearly it has. I have felt very safe here because you give me the ability to share my thoughts. But most of all you have allowed me to be completely authentic. Since starting this blog I have been able to work through many of my issues just by writing and posting it here.

Take what you have learned and what you will learn from this blog and share it with others. Even if my "followers" list to the side never expands passed the six of you I know I am being heard.

Thank You and God Bless

Lovely Little Reminders

The past couple of months have been pretty ridiculous. At every turn there is more stress.  I’ve been signing up for next semesters classes and fishing my last three weeks of school. But I also signed up for the St. John Bosco Conference through the University of Steubenville so I can receive my youth ministry certification. That is what has been weighing on me the most. It’s daunting to know that I will probably be the youngest person there and this determines my entry into the professional side of youth ministry.

Today I was on the phone with my mother and I brought up the conference. As we talked I realized just how scared I was about the whole thing. I mean I have five days to run through a guided crash course in youth ministry. That doesn’t seem like much time. But she reminded me that I’ve been involved in ministry since the 7^th grade and probably have more life experience than most of these people anyway.

Even with that extra parental boost of confidence I still didn’t feel ready. So I went about my day and stopped at the organic store, Earth Fare, in Centerville, OH. Not thinking about anything I grabbed my groceries and a bottle of tea and I drove home. Well that bottle of tea held what I was looking for. Being so stressed lately my prayer life has been lacking and God and I haven’t had a heart to heart in a while.

I opened my bottle and about half way through the drink I realized the cap had a message, “Yes we can.” Those three little words were all I needed. Sometimes I get so hung up on the big stuff that I forget the small stuff. My mom was right. I did forget all those hours I spent at youth group on Sundays and everything I’ve learned. I forgot that my age is working with me because it allows me to relate with the kids. But most of all I forgot that a few minutes in prayer could’ve saved me all this trouble.

That leads me to a fact that many of us fail to remember. God doesn’t mind reminding you how wonderful you are. He is just like any other parent who wants to see his children succeed. Through out our lives we will all have a lack of confidence and get hung up on something. When this happens you need to remember that you are not alone and that asking for help doesn’t make you weak. At the time I didn’t know how to ask for help, but God knew I was going through something so He did something about it. He left me a note just like the ones my mother would leave in my lunch. He left a little reminder that He believed in me just like He believes in you.

Lent

When I was younger I hated Lent because I always had to give something up. So instead of giving up chocolate, which I love, I would give up hitting my sister or something silly like that. Now I realize how much I was missing.

Lent is a 40 day season in the Catholic church that remembers Jesus' fasting and temptation in the desert. The whole point of giving up something is to prayerfully sacrifice something just like Jesus did. 

So instead of looking at Lent as something I had to do I now look at it as something I should want to do. Just like my prayer life Lent should be for personal growth. And Lent doesn't have to mean giving something up, you are allowed to add something.

This year I tossed around a lot of ideas, but I kept coming back to adding some exercise. I decided to add yoga and bike riding to my life. It really tied in nicely because my research paper in English class is about the risks and benefits of yoga. It's always funny when things tie in.

But if you're still trying to figure out what to do for Lent here are some suggestions.

1. Facebook: This site can flood your life with some very unnecessary drama. By giving this up you'll quickly learn how much you depend on it and who your real friends are. OR You can make a resolution to post a quote, song lyric, photo, or some other sort of inspiration. You may never know how much someone needed to read that quote or hear that song.

2. Texting: This is a favorite among my friends because as a society our people skills are going down hill. Giving this up is a must try at anytime because we are all way to reliant on technology. OR As a family, give up texting at the table. My mom does this when the kids are over and I do this when my friends and I are out.

3. Food: It is so common to give up food, candy or soda, but what if you vowed to try new food. Since moving out I try two new fruits, vegetables, or cheeses per month. It is the greatest thing I have ever done. I learn so much about other cultures and develop a wonderful appreciation for the food I am blessed to have.

Remember, it's not about the quantity of the sacrifice it's the quality.

Perfect Timing

It has been quite a while since I posted anything. I have been super busy, but good things are happening. I just moved into my childhood home, inspired my best friend to start a blog, and began my second quarter of community college. As all of this was happening one of my friends said that I had become very mature. That really stuck with me this past week.

Now, I have posted before about my inside jokes with God and this was no exception. I was cleaning off the old fridge in my garage when some piece of paper fell off the door. It was yellowed with age and no bigger than a post-it note. As I picked it up I couldn't help, but wonder why someone would stick it behind a dinosaur magnet.

This is what it said: 

"DEAR FRIEND: Here it is. Thank you for asking. 

Maturity

Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence. 

Maturity is patience. It is the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure in favor of a long-term gain. 

Maturity is perseverance, the ability to sweat out a project or situation in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging setbacks. 

Maturity is the capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration, discomfort and defeat, without complaint or collapse.

Maturity is being big enough to say, 'I was wrong.' And, when right, the mature person need not experience the satisfaction of saying, 'I told you so.'

Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. The immature spend their lives exploring endless possibilities and then do nothing.

Maturity means dependability, keeping one's word and coming through in a crisis. The immature are masters of the alibi. They are the confused and the conflicted. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business and good intentions that somehow never materialize.

Maturity is the art of living in peace with what we cannot change, the courage to change what should be changed and the wisdom to know the difference." 

This was an answer to an "Ask Ann Landers" column. The article could've been up there for more than twenty years and I found it at the right time. It's funny how He works, but it always makes me smile.

Do You Believe?

Lately I have been receiving a lot of negativity regarding my life choices. I feel like every time I find a niche I am evicted from it. Why? Because someone's opinion rattled my security. I let those "invisible enemies" infect my dreams until they were shriveled. Those words were my kryptonite. It all started with the: "Are you sure?" "What if?" and "I wanna be proud...BUT" Have you ever felt the way I do? Have you ever felt like the kitten who sees a pride leader or the Ron Weasley who sees the next house boy?

Currently I am an unemployed, occasional blogger/writer/artist, aspiring youth minister, college freshman, living at home. I volunteer 20+ hours a week with no pay. I am a B student at a community college. And guess what... I am happy. I'm not living outside my means or dreaming the impossible, but some see it differently. To them I am dependent, average, hopelessly romantic, flaky, unrealistic, and lazy.

But guess what, they don't matter. They won't have to like themselves at the end of the day or lie to get through it. If I'm not in danger and I am being sensible, then I don't need your negativity. I need your advice and support, in a caring tone. There is a big difference between constructive criticism and destructive words. If you think I can't do it, shut up and let me prove you wrong. Or you can help me succeed. Take your pick, for my sake and that of others. We are here to support and encourage, not to demean or belittle.

When I walk past my mirror I see a confident, faithful, capable, learning, imaginative, innovative, charming, young women. I don't see it everyday, but I have a plan. And I'll get what I want, but your help is necessary. Sometimes it is as little as your smile after a witness. Occasionally I'll need a weekend getaway or an argument. Yes, I wrote that. Not all fights are unnecessary. Some need to happen to air out the issues and relieve that pent up anger. My most life changing realizations were after a fight that was meant to happen. When you shout and defend you see how much you want it, what it's worth, and if you can handle it.

So here's a chance to fight. I can't guarantee you'll win every fight, but if it's meant to be it will.


This blog was inspired by: recent events & "The Value of Believing In Yourself: The Story of Louis Pasteur" by Spencer Johnson, M.D.