Fear

If there's one thing Jesus never tires of it's reminding us of His total love for us. The LOVE that we we are literally made to experience. The love that saves sinners and protects all who cling to it. I don't know about you, but I am quick to forget this Love when I am scared or worried. A lot of change has taken place in the last six months and instead of clinging to Christ I've been hacking it on my own. Let me tell ya that's not going so well.

Six months ago... I packed up my new car and my friend's van full of stuff. We were headed to my first real job. Six or seven hours later I was in southern Oregon unprepared for everything that lie ahead. The months to come were a series of unfortunate events. Everything came crumbling down. My transmission died. I had no place to live. Everything at work was new and confusing. Finances were a mess. One of my teens from Washington died. And my new city was struck by a tragedy, the shooting at Umpqua Community College.

There's nothing like a crisis to teach you about yourself and your relationships. Well, I learned very quickly just how weak my faith had become. I stopped praying. I stopped searching for God. I was looking for any way out because I was SCARED! My life was turbulent and I was the only one in the boat. Instead of asking for help I just gave up...

About a month ago a monk told me, "It's okay and it's never weak to feel fear or anxiety. There's everything wrong with staying that way." That's when I realized my problem. I have to give everything to God and go to bed! I have to discern, pray, live with JESUS at the center for anything to go well. Especially when I am plagued with fear and anxiety. I have nothing to fear with Christ.

Tonight that lesson continued as I prayed Night Prayer...

"Night holds no terrors for me sleeping under God's wings." - Antiphon 1, Sunday Night Prayer

Even in my sleeping He'll take it all! All my fears, all my worries, all my anxieties He sorts out with me if I only invite Him in and LISTEN.

+ May the LORD grant us a restful night and a peaceful death.  Amen +

True Joy

On St. Thomas Aquinas's feast day his quotes were all over Facebook. The quote below in particular was eye catching. It captioned pictures of joyous saints like St. John Paul II and children playing. The posts were widely shared and seemed to impact many people, including myself.

"No man truly has joy unless he lives in LOVE." - St. Thomas Aquinas

This understanding of true love causing true Christian joy has become a frequent conversation in my daily prayers. Love & happiness are the most attractive traits, the most sought after feelings, the most studied subjects, and still continue to be an unfolding, yet uncontainable mystery for most. They are hard to define and far surpass any other feelings. From what I've seen you must make a choice to devote time and energy towards another person to truly love them. True love is selfless & above all sacrificial. So if you work towards & find that true love you're sure to know that true joy.

Giggles in the retreat house.

My Mom & stepfather are characters.

Isn't this what we were made for? If we were made to know, love, and serve God then we must be made for joy as well. If this is true why do we feel so guilty for having good fun? Or laughing out loud? I don't know about you, but for the longest time I hated my laugh. Every time I giggled, chortled, cackled, burst, chuckled, laughed, tittered, tee-hee'd, or sniggered, it was always the same. I would get red & close my eyes. Tears would stream down my face as I rocked back & forth practically wheezing as I laughed. Then, if it was a really good laugh I might even break the capillaries in my face causing me to be speckled for days. It was so embarrassing... However, my teammate Angelle, loved my laugh. My hoodlums loved my laugh. Everyone seemed to love my laugh.

So I asked God why He and others loved my laugh. I wanted an answer, but I got a question, "Why do you laugh that way?" So I thought. Well, I grew up in a home full of love. Not a day went by that we didn't laugh. It was always more than just a reaction to a joke. It was a reaction to the love my mother provided in a very sacrificial, devoted way of life. She gave up a lot for my sisters and I. Daily she strived to teach us that God is love, that we are loved, and that that fact will never change. No matter how sad or stressful a day was, she had a smile on her face, plenty of witty comebacks, & perfect stories. She is still one of the happiest people I know because she seeks love above all else. It has never been all rosy for her, but man her laugh is great. I realized I laugh so loud and so hard because of the love she shows me. Further, I laugh the way I do because of the love the Father shows me. I can try to change my laugh, but in doing so I wouldn't be me.

I'm not attempting to reduce all that is true Christian joy to laughter, but in my own life I've come to know the love of God and joy through our very humorous relationship. Over the last two years it's been quite a joy. I am living in so much love that I wake up, go about much of my day, & go to sleep with a smile on my face. I see more of life through the lens of love and light than I ever have before. There is something about actively seeking & doing God's will that just naturally places you in love and gives you those experiences of joy. I'm not really sure how I even survived a few years before this mission.

"Man cannot live without joy; therefore when he is deprived of true spiritual joys it follows that he becomes addicted to carnal pleasures." - St. Thomas Aquinas

I was merely existing. My will was much more important than God's and I would justify my actions with statements like, "God allowed it, so it must be His will. Right?" Wrong. I was just going through the motions. I would talk with God occasionally. I would do "His work", but seldom did I seek His counsel. Even still he provided me with so much grace in that time. The most important thing I've learned during my time here in the Pacific Northwest is that I must seek His will and His love above all else or I am doomed to fail. When I am not talking with Him, I am not loving Him. If I am not loving Him then I know no true joy. St. Thomas's words above ring very true. It's really hard to fall when you allow someone to support you. I'm not sure why I ever believed I could do anything without Him, but I am forever grateful He's provided me the love to live a life of True Joy. Seek the LORD above all else & you will always know His true love and joy.

Virtuous Friendship

In less than six months my time as a missionary will be over. I will have spent two years at the best parish I have ever been to. It will be the culmination of a crazy cross country journey that I never anticipated. I came to the the pacific northwest with a heck of a lot of baggage and in this time each and every bag has been lovingly unpacked and sorted. I've been given some of the most amazing people to help me with that. These are the people I think of when I read:

"Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter; whoever finds one finds a treasure. Faithful friends are beyond price, no amount can balance their worth. Faithful friends are life-saving medicine; those who fear God will find them." - Sirach 6:14 -16

These are also the people who I am forever grateful for. The theme of our Fidelis Winter Excursion this weekend is "Virtuous Friendship: Learning from the Saints". We've spent so much time talking about the qualities of this type of friend and the saints who exemplify that. Well, I think I know some of them personally. I have met and connected with so many people over the last year and a half. It's been a whirlwind, but it's been amazing. And in their own way they've each healed me in our time together.

When you come across people like this it's like your life brightens with their presence and even in their absence the very thought of them brings a smile. These friends will be frank with you, pray for you, and give you a ton of crap. More importantly, they'll love you with that love of Christ. A love that seeks truth in all things, even when it's hard. A love that pursues heaven with mighty courage. So when you come across these friends hold onto them because God clearly placed them in your life for some reason and never stop praying for them.

St. Theresa of Avila is said to have prayed for every soul she ever had an "intense connection" with until they reached heaven. That's a virtuous friend! Spend time praying for those people who have touched your life. They have been your partners on your path to heaven. No matter how long you've been together or apart your souls still have a unique bond that can never be torn apart.

"Pray for me, as I will for thee, that we may merrily meet in heaven." - St. Thomas More

Thankful

Thanksgiving is my favorite time of year because it's huge for my family. We don't have football traditions, but we sure have cooking traditions. Over the years my mother and my uncle have spent their early holiday mornings trying to make their mother's turkey stuffing. Finally, they hacked it and it's become a staple of our celebrations despite the fact that my mother doesn't like it.

Tradition is big in my family. Everyone arrives at the house at least two hours before the meal to socialize and help. Then, the meal is served and we have boisterous conversations about years past. My sister Ellen never fails to incorrectly remember a situation the girls and I found ourselves in years ago. My sister Erin gives her the hardest time as our step-siblings encourage her with their giggling.

By meal's end we're in a fit of laughter as we wipe the tears from our eyes because everything was just that funny. The parents sit down to watch the latest series they've been watching on Netflix and the pie is served with a side of Granny's signature strawberry Jell-O. It's quite the sight and oh, how I miss them.

This is my first time away from home and my first Thanksgiving without them. Our 2,500 mile distance has never felt so far. It's a sacrifice for all of us, but from every sacrifice comes grace. My sisters are spending more time at home and our relationship via social media is improving. It's a joy to bear this struggle knowing we're all better for it.

So this Thanksgiving I am thankful for the struggles of life. It's only out of darkness that one can understand the importance of the Light. Through this particular struggle my life has been transformed. My spiritual life has never been so intense and my relationship with my mother has never been so genuine. So, this Thanksgiving whether it's a great one or not be thankful for your own struggles.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To Be Amazed

I was sitting here in the missionary house working on a talk entitled "How To Say Yes To God" for Theology On Tap when my mind wandered to past retreats. One in particular stands out to me because it will forever hold a huge place in my heart. My high school's senior PATS retreat continues to be the highlight of a Patriots career at Carroll High School in Riverside, OH.

It was March of 2010 and quite an unusual group of people were brought together to lead the first PATS retreat of the 2010 - 2011 school year. I knew Lindsey & Hannah from grade school. I shared the best French class with Mike & Caroline. AJ, Harper, & I had our own version of the breakfast club with our groups of friends. James, Francesco, Miriam, Angela, & I were in various clubs together.

I didn't think we'd fit together. I didn't think we'd connect. But we each put our doubts aside and ran with it. We were given a job and entrusted with this mission and we certainly delivered. By the time the retreat started we had so many inside jokes it was like we knew each other for ages. The picture above captures it all. That's what saying "Yes!" to God looks like in the face of doubt. That's what confidence in the Lord does to people.

Almost three years ago I lead a retreat with the most dynamic team. If any of you guys are reading this, know that I'm amazed by each of you and how this retreat changed us. You may not know it, but you healed me on this retreat. I love you dearly.

God Bless You,
Rick-A-Roo

34 Hours and 28 Minutes

Two months ago I packed up my life and walked into the Dayton International airport to leave for a ten month internship in Bremerton, WA. My mother drove me there and waited with me as I checked my bags. We walked to the security line and I fiddled with my ticket trying to think of something to say. She just asked if I had everything and stuffed a few extra snacks into my carry-on.

Before I knew it she looked at me with tears behind her purple reading glasses. We hugged each other hoping to make the hug last until my Christmas break in December. Soon it was time to go and she just smiled and said, "I love you. Have a good time." I'm still not sure how she did that without crying, but then again mothers are superheroes.

I'm sure that's one of the hardest things either of us have done, but what amazes me is that we weren't scared. She knew God would watch over me and I knew he'd watch over her. This is the definition of faith; knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that God has your best interests at heart. God has given the two of us so much grace through this journey.

Though we're thirty four hours and twenty eight minutes, if I got in my car and drove, our relationship has never been stronger. God called the two of us to this journey and has blessed us since that first prayer.

Wanted: Prayer

In the time it’s taken me to get back to this blog I’ve been through a lot. I’ve lost my footing and stumbled, more like face planted half the time. I’m not out of the woods yet, but during the Lenten season I gained some perspective on the power of prayer and what it really means to be a disciple of Christ.

Lent is a time of fasting from and praying for the removal of what gets in the way of your relationship with God. In addition, it’s time to spend with God and ask Him what you need. Now nowhere in the Bible does it say that a maintaining a relationship with God is easy, although I spent ninety percent of Lent wishing it did. The Bible does say, however, that through it all God is with us.

“I will never forsake you or abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 NAB

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time remembering that in a struggle.

For Lent I gave up putting myself down and by the third week I was stressing. Then, my relationship with a guy ended in heartbreak. And as if I needed anything else to deal with, I found out I have a heart condition. In short, my Lenten experience was going downhill fast.

I felt like I was weak, out of control, and forgotten: three things that I hated feeling and refused to admit. I went into Easter angry with myself for failing and feeling like an idiot. I didn’t understand what the message of this struggle was and didn’t really care. All I knew was that I was thoroughly unhappy.

A week later I found myself sitting in the Blessed Sacrament chapel reading a reflection on discipleship with the rest of the leadership team. The whole time I was uncomfortable because I knew whom I was in front of and that I wanted to leave. It felt awkward being in front of the Lord in that moment. In my head I kept saying things like “Why am I even here?” and “I want to leave, but I can’t leave that’d be rude.”

I was forced to sit there in that silent awkwardness and listen to the Lord. I had to confront my bitterness and ask the Lord for help. I hated asking for help. My pride is so consuming at times that I would rather suffer than admit I need help with something. To me I was admitting I was weak which made me feel inadequate and I can’t stand being inadequate.

And of course what were we discussing in that moment, Luke 9:46-48, the story of the apostles arguing about who is the greatest. As much as I hate when the Lord calls me out and says, “Wake up and pay attention!” I love that He does it in a loving way. I went home that night and prayed hard. I sat in His embrace and heard in my heart, “You’re not the only one going through this valley. Others have been here and you need to ask for help. You need to ask for prayers.”

As I said before, I hate asking for help, but I know better than to disobey the Lord in this moment. I need your prayers so I can move on from this. But it’s not that I just need them, I want them. I know that prayer is our greatest weapon and the best medicine; I’d be foolish to not ask for pride’s sake.

Thank you prayer warriors.

Thriving in the Loneliness

How many times have you heard someone say, “You are not alone.” Many of you can think of at least a few times when this has happened, but how many of you believed it? As you think about it maybe you have the image of a family member or friend saying this to you and you shaking your head like, “Yeah right.” As much as you hate to hear it, they were right.

As human beings and people of faith we will go through seasons of blessings, belief, doubt, and despair. Each of these seasons is determined by our faith and when you’re lonely it’s hard to keep praying. It is so easy to just go through the motions. Whether you’re married, single, or living the religious life. You will be lonely it’s a fact of life. Your spouse is not the source of your contentment. No amount of school activities will fill your void. A community on it’s own cannot provide you with the support you’re seeking. So, what is the key?

In my small Christian community we’ve been studying the Theology of the Body. Every Tuesday afternoon we get together and listen to a talk and talk about what we heard. Tonight we talked about how hungry human beings are. We hunger to fill our void. We hunger for love, but the love we seek cannot be achieved unless we seek God. God is love, right? We are created to know, love, and serve Him, right?

As I sat and listened I felt so stupid! Our society would have us believe that we need a romantic relationship to fill our void or money, or a big house and the list goes on and on. The only thing that will fill that hunger, the same “hunger that drives great saints to know God” is GOD. (TOB)

Our problem is that we look for something to fill that void in all the wrong places. Christopher West from Theology of the Body explains this paradox very well, “That same hunger that drives great saints to know God can drive them to be great sinners.” I had never thought of it that way.

This is why being lonely sucks. The expression “being surrounded by a sea of people and feeling all alone” perfectly describes how I feel as a single person. It is so hard to wake up and go about my day and go to bed alone. Even though people at school and around town surround me at the end of the day I have two cats and a quiet home to go to. That’s not the kind of life I aspired to live. That’s not the life I read about in storybooks. That’s not the life happy people live.

Wrong. Plenty of happy people live a similar life. They are happy because they are thriving in their loneliness and/or singleness. They are walking with God. Every time they get lonely they can remember God is there. He may not be tangible in the moment, but he is there for you. He’s the listening ear, the song on the radio, and the pleasant weather. He’s even in your positive thinking about your current life.

A marriage may not last your whole life. You may not always live in a Christian community. Your singleness may not last forever. Even if your marriage lasts forever there will be business trips and times spent apart. Even in your community you will need to retreat. Even in your singleness you have the best companion. Being lonely sucks, but God can cure it.

Seek Him in your church communities. Get involved in Christ centered projects and groups. Pray everyday and build a relationship with Him. Serve Him with your gifts. Glorify Him in all that you do. God will fill your hunger and to do this you need to get to know Him.

Over the past month I've been struggling with this issue. It has been so hard to stay positive and not let myself be dismayed over not having a companion. But one of my fellow small Christian community participants put it perfectly, "He has you where you need to be." I found so much comfort in that and I hope you do to. Know that I am praying for all of you and I hope finding comfort in our creator will bring you out of your darkness and give you strength.

God Provides :)

I just finished a mini movie night in the living room with the laptop and my kitties. As much as I would've loved a snuggle buddy, that didn't have claws, I am so happy. Since high school I've been asking for a partner in this life. God's answer since day one has been not now. I'm not very patient, but for Him to give me time to learn about me and the rest of His handy work is AWESOME!

Even though I griped every valentines day and school dance, but He still showed me His love. And as I am constantly showed, we find our hope, our drive, and reason for living in that love. God has you where you are for a reason. As much as it seems like torture it's a necessary and temporary discomfort that will give you a glimpse into His immense love if you're open. A glimpse into the love we should seek and always cling to.

So be content in your place in this world and remember God has one of three answers to your requests: Yes, No, or Not Now. And your response should be, "Thy will be done." It's not easy, but this is how you learn compromise and patience for your human relationships. It may not seem like it, but He is giving you all of the tools so use them! We are His children and He is a patient parent. Be present to Him and He will be present to you.

Aha Moments

Lately, I have been very concerned about the path I have chosen. As an aspiring youth minister I don't plan on being rich, but I want to have a stable income. Currently I am going to a local community college and volunteering with a youth group full time. I couldn't understand how I am staying afloat without a job and a yearly $6,000 family stipend. I am a clothes, accessory, shoe, and coffee junkie who donates on a regular basis so I figured all my money was gone.

I reluctantly asked my mom to write down how much I had left. She looked at me like I was insane and said a number. I must have asked her a thousand times to repeat it. Apparently I had a lot of money left over. I couldn't imagine how that was possible. I mean I bought a bunch of clothes, went to New  York City, paid for two quarters of college, donated to church, bought Christmas for two family's of seven, and drove all over. But I had forgotten something.

I was doing what God had asked me to do. He said it would be tough because I'm not going to the school I wanted or working right now. I just didn't think I could make it. Being someone who rarely asks for help, handouts are not an option. So God found another way. He blessed me with wonderful friends who let me stay for dinner twice a month and a great youth minister who wants me to succeed. My youth minister even found a possible paid internship for the summer. This was my aha moment. Now I know I am stable and I can still do everything I dreamed of...with His help.

If you have aha moments I would love to hear about them. Feel free to comment :)

Photo from: http://www.phillytechguy.com/home/images/stories/aha-moments.jpg

Do You Believe?

Lately I have been receiving a lot of negativity regarding my life choices. I feel like every time I find a niche I am evicted from it. Why? Because someone's opinion rattled my security. I let those "invisible enemies" infect my dreams until they were shriveled. Those words were my kryptonite. It all started with the: "Are you sure?" "What if?" and "I wanna be proud...BUT" Have you ever felt the way I do? Have you ever felt like the kitten who sees a pride leader or the Ron Weasley who sees the next house boy?

Currently I am an unemployed, occasional blogger/writer/artist, aspiring youth minister, college freshman, living at home. I volunteer 20+ hours a week with no pay. I am a B student at a community college. And guess what... I am happy. I'm not living outside my means or dreaming the impossible, but some see it differently. To them I am dependent, average, hopelessly romantic, flaky, unrealistic, and lazy.

But guess what, they don't matter. They won't have to like themselves at the end of the day or lie to get through it. If I'm not in danger and I am being sensible, then I don't need your negativity. I need your advice and support, in a caring tone. There is a big difference between constructive criticism and destructive words. If you think I can't do it, shut up and let me prove you wrong. Or you can help me succeed. Take your pick, for my sake and that of others. We are here to support and encourage, not to demean or belittle.

When I walk past my mirror I see a confident, faithful, capable, learning, imaginative, innovative, charming, young women. I don't see it everyday, but I have a plan. And I'll get what I want, but your help is necessary. Sometimes it is as little as your smile after a witness. Occasionally I'll need a weekend getaway or an argument. Yes, I wrote that. Not all fights are unnecessary. Some need to happen to air out the issues and relieve that pent up anger. My most life changing realizations were after a fight that was meant to happen. When you shout and defend you see how much you want it, what it's worth, and if you can handle it.

So here's a chance to fight. I can't guarantee you'll win every fight, but if it's meant to be it will.


This blog was inspired by: recent events & "The Value of Believing In Yourself: The Story of Louis Pasteur" by Spencer Johnson, M.D.

True Beauty

I was at a friend's house last night and as usual we were discussing boys. She said she was crushing on a new boy. But instead of being giddy she was sad. I didn't understand why she was, but now I get it. She can't see what everyone else sees when they look at her. Her view is so clouded. When I see a tall statuesque young lady she sees a thin giant with knobby knees. Every time that boy says, "You're beautiful," she says, "he's just being polite." This is the torture we put ourselves through every single day. No matter how confident you think you are this is a weak spot. This ladies and gents proves how insane we are.

We go around all day waving, complementing, and smiling. Believing we will brighten another person's day, but what about you? Yes, you should do all that for others, but don't forget yourself. When was the last time you truly complimented yourself? Take a minute and write down five positive features about: your body, your personality, your skills, your longterm goal(s), etcetera. Here are some that I wrote down:

     1. I have a great smile.
     2. I am compassionate.
     3. I make a great snicker doodle.
     4. I am a great leader.
     5. I am beautiful in anything.

When you're done tape them to your mirror or beside it. You need to see these everyday. This how I got over the world's view of pretty. This is how I saw myself for everything I am instead of everything I'm not.

Relaxed

Tomorrow morning I have a paper due. Tomorrow afternoon I have a presentation, a reflection, and a research paper due. All day I was completely stressed, but then God stepped in. I was driving home and I realized that I had enough punches on my coffee lover's card for a free 24 oz. coffee. Yes God came to me in the form of a 24 oz. Fat Free French Vanilla Cappuccino and two packets of Sugar In The Raw.


God can be simple. Most of the time he doesn't come to us in some elaborate vision. He doesn't need fireworks and a show. Instead he needs our attention. Constantly He is speaking to our souls, but we are cluttered. We need to let go of our stresses and relax. I know that it is extremely hard. But when we let go, His grace consumes us and we can hear Him. Sometimes His message won't make sense, but don't worry.


"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you,' says the Lord, 'plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope." Jeremiah 29: 11 NABRE