And God Gave Me Rest

This picture perfectly describes the last month & a half. I know this is what exhaustion looks like. Ever since I returned to Washington I've been on the move, literally. The first thing I did was move from one missionary house to another in less than twelve hours after I got off the plane. I compiled donations from this house. I cleaned up that one. I enlisted plenty of my hoodlums to move furniture. And I freaked out... I felt an urgency that no one put on me. I was even told, "Take a day or two. Get caught up on sleep." But I was overwhelmed because I wanted things to be perfect...

Despite the onset of frustration I just threw myself into more tasks seeking perfection. I staffed the Ignite Your Torch Northwest conference in Olympia, WA for the second year and it was a great conference, but I couldn't enjoy it. I spent the majority of my time before the conference working from 9:30 AM until 2 AM over & over again. During the conference I was too concerned about trivial things like lost name tags. I should've picked up a Sharpie & handed it to an organizer to deal with it, but instead I stressed everyone out around me.

The next week I was prepping for our Teen Confirmation registration program & for our American Heritage Girls camping trip to Whidbey Island, WA. I have to admit the camping trip was fun, but I kept checking my phone as if someone else needed me besides my girls. The one night I had there I spent responding to emails, txts, & Facebook messages until the wee hours of the morning. With little sleep I wasn't much use to the AHG girls or leaders.

Then, I went on a three day mission trip to volunteer as a member of the 300 to support the organization 4US with very little left to give. The trip was amazing & so joy filled, but again I couldn't fully enjoy it. My sleep was wasted again responding to emails, txts, & Facebook messages. When I returned I looked like I'd run into a brick wall. By all accounts I looked tired, mad, and/or upset and I probably was.

Yesterday, at the team overnight with all five of us missionaries I finally fell asleep. For three hours I was knocked out on the couch. I can't remember the last time I slept that long in the middle of the day. I had been begging God to show me what was wrong & He gave me sleep.

Jesus said,  "Come to me, all you who labor & are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

And he reminded me of something Br. Declan Gibson told me at the Ignite Your Torch NW conference: "You must safe guard your prayer with a barbed wire fence & make time for GOD. You could do every good & holy thing and still be distant from God. Emma, even if the pope asked you to do something & it interfered with your prayer time you'd have to respond with, "I'm very sorry Holy Father, but Jesus is calling me to pray. He deserves that time because He bought my life & you're just the pope."

I kicked off my second year of mission with pride thinking I could do it all. I failed to share with or even ask Jesus what he wanted from me. So like a wise parent He tucked me in & made me sleep even though I went kicking & screaming. I am so glad He did & I am so sorry for my foolishness. I can't do it all & I can't do anything without Christ. Like Br. Declan said, "Jesus deserves & wants my time & presence." He wants & needs it more than anyone else. So, I resolve to rededicate my life to Christ & make more time for HIM. How can I even claim to know Him when we've spent so little time together?

Spend time with Jesus because HE loves you so much that He died for you. He deserves your time more than anyone else.

34 Hours and 28 Minutes

Two months ago I packed up my life and walked into the Dayton International airport to leave for a ten month internship in Bremerton, WA. My mother drove me there and waited with me as I checked my bags. We walked to the security line and I fiddled with my ticket trying to think of something to say. She just asked if I had everything and stuffed a few extra snacks into my carry-on.

Before I knew it she looked at me with tears behind her purple reading glasses. We hugged each other hoping to make the hug last until my Christmas break in December. Soon it was time to go and she just smiled and said, "I love you. Have a good time." I'm still not sure how she did that without crying, but then again mothers are superheroes.

I'm sure that's one of the hardest things either of us have done, but what amazes me is that we weren't scared. She knew God would watch over me and I knew he'd watch over her. This is the definition of faith; knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that God has your best interests at heart. God has given the two of us so much grace through this journey.

Though we're thirty four hours and twenty eight minutes, if I got in my car and drove, our relationship has never been stronger. God called the two of us to this journey and has blessed us since that first prayer.

You Are Called

I’ve been absent from this blog for quite a while because God has been doing some work. You know how He likes to specialize in that “sandpaper ministry”. This past year has been incredible and hectic, fruitful and exasperating, joyous and trying.

It all started when I got home from my first year at the St. John Bosco conference last July. My heart could not have been more on fire for God when I got home. By that August I was in a small Christian community and openly defending the faith in my Eastern religions class, that’s another story. And by that November I was busy, successful, and then there was this guy…

I thought we were made for each other. Our meeting from the beginning was truly written by God, but ours wasn’t the ending I wanted. The sandpaper came in here because I was stuck between, “This guy is what I want” and “Is he what I need?” We didn’t make it and I was angry with God. For a while things were great and I was comfortable and then all of the sudden things sucked.

As if things couldn’t get worse, in prayer God told me to look for a job. I ignored Him for months making all kind of excuses. Finally, the “sandpaper” wore me thin and I knew I had to trust Him in this moment. I found five youth ministry jobs I would like and applied for an internship in Washington. My immediate thought was, “He won’t send me there, but I can at least say I tried.”

And wouldn’t you know it, I was hired in less than twenty-four hours. God is very funny and always has our best interests at heart even when we’re brats. Had you told me this time last year that I would be moving across the country I would've had you committed. For the longest time I’ve said, “If I’m doing youth ministry I’m doing it in Ohio!”

Had I been given my way I would probably be in a dead end relationship and too frustrated to be able to grow a fruitful ministry. As much as that “sandpaper” hurts we need to offer our suffering up with the knowledge that it will help another; all while remembering that God loves us and is with us always. God doesn’t call the equipped he equips the called and it takes work.

The sooner we let God take over the better. Trust me I know it’s not easy. I leave for Washington in eight days and it’s been tough, but it’s the moments that make you the most uncomfortable that prove to be the most rewarding. I can’t wait to see what happens next because this is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Pray that you and I may be given the strength to give God the control and trust that he has us in His hands.

Wanted: Prayer

In the time it’s taken me to get back to this blog I’ve been through a lot. I’ve lost my footing and stumbled, more like face planted half the time. I’m not out of the woods yet, but during the Lenten season I gained some perspective on the power of prayer and what it really means to be a disciple of Christ.

Lent is a time of fasting from and praying for the removal of what gets in the way of your relationship with God. In addition, it’s time to spend with God and ask Him what you need. Now nowhere in the Bible does it say that a maintaining a relationship with God is easy, although I spent ninety percent of Lent wishing it did. The Bible does say, however, that through it all God is with us.

“I will never forsake you or abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5 NAB

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time remembering that in a struggle.

For Lent I gave up putting myself down and by the third week I was stressing. Then, my relationship with a guy ended in heartbreak. And as if I needed anything else to deal with, I found out I have a heart condition. In short, my Lenten experience was going downhill fast.

I felt like I was weak, out of control, and forgotten: three things that I hated feeling and refused to admit. I went into Easter angry with myself for failing and feeling like an idiot. I didn’t understand what the message of this struggle was and didn’t really care. All I knew was that I was thoroughly unhappy.

A week later I found myself sitting in the Blessed Sacrament chapel reading a reflection on discipleship with the rest of the leadership team. The whole time I was uncomfortable because I knew whom I was in front of and that I wanted to leave. It felt awkward being in front of the Lord in that moment. In my head I kept saying things like “Why am I even here?” and “I want to leave, but I can’t leave that’d be rude.”

I was forced to sit there in that silent awkwardness and listen to the Lord. I had to confront my bitterness and ask the Lord for help. I hated asking for help. My pride is so consuming at times that I would rather suffer than admit I need help with something. To me I was admitting I was weak which made me feel inadequate and I can’t stand being inadequate.

And of course what were we discussing in that moment, Luke 9:46-48, the story of the apostles arguing about who is the greatest. As much as I hate when the Lord calls me out and says, “Wake up and pay attention!” I love that He does it in a loving way. I went home that night and prayed hard. I sat in His embrace and heard in my heart, “You’re not the only one going through this valley. Others have been here and you need to ask for help. You need to ask for prayers.”

As I said before, I hate asking for help, but I know better than to disobey the Lord in this moment. I need your prayers so I can move on from this. But it’s not that I just need them, I want them. I know that prayer is our greatest weapon and the best medicine; I’d be foolish to not ask for pride’s sake.

Thank you prayer warriors.

Thriving in the Loneliness

How many times have you heard someone say, “You are not alone.” Many of you can think of at least a few times when this has happened, but how many of you believed it? As you think about it maybe you have the image of a family member or friend saying this to you and you shaking your head like, “Yeah right.” As much as you hate to hear it, they were right.

As human beings and people of faith we will go through seasons of blessings, belief, doubt, and despair. Each of these seasons is determined by our faith and when you’re lonely it’s hard to keep praying. It is so easy to just go through the motions. Whether you’re married, single, or living the religious life. You will be lonely it’s a fact of life. Your spouse is not the source of your contentment. No amount of school activities will fill your void. A community on it’s own cannot provide you with the support you’re seeking. So, what is the key?

In my small Christian community we’ve been studying the Theology of the Body. Every Tuesday afternoon we get together and listen to a talk and talk about what we heard. Tonight we talked about how hungry human beings are. We hunger to fill our void. We hunger for love, but the love we seek cannot be achieved unless we seek God. God is love, right? We are created to know, love, and serve Him, right?

As I sat and listened I felt so stupid! Our society would have us believe that we need a romantic relationship to fill our void or money, or a big house and the list goes on and on. The only thing that will fill that hunger, the same “hunger that drives great saints to know God” is GOD. (TOB)

Our problem is that we look for something to fill that void in all the wrong places. Christopher West from Theology of the Body explains this paradox very well, “That same hunger that drives great saints to know God can drive them to be great sinners.” I had never thought of it that way.

This is why being lonely sucks. The expression “being surrounded by a sea of people and feeling all alone” perfectly describes how I feel as a single person. It is so hard to wake up and go about my day and go to bed alone. Even though people at school and around town surround me at the end of the day I have two cats and a quiet home to go to. That’s not the kind of life I aspired to live. That’s not the life I read about in storybooks. That’s not the life happy people live.

Wrong. Plenty of happy people live a similar life. They are happy because they are thriving in their loneliness and/or singleness. They are walking with God. Every time they get lonely they can remember God is there. He may not be tangible in the moment, but he is there for you. He’s the listening ear, the song on the radio, and the pleasant weather. He’s even in your positive thinking about your current life.

A marriage may not last your whole life. You may not always live in a Christian community. Your singleness may not last forever. Even if your marriage lasts forever there will be business trips and times spent apart. Even in your community you will need to retreat. Even in your singleness you have the best companion. Being lonely sucks, but God can cure it.

Seek Him in your church communities. Get involved in Christ centered projects and groups. Pray everyday and build a relationship with Him. Serve Him with your gifts. Glorify Him in all that you do. God will fill your hunger and to do this you need to get to know Him.

Over the past month I've been struggling with this issue. It has been so hard to stay positive and not let myself be dismayed over not having a companion. But one of my fellow small Christian community participants put it perfectly, "He has you where you need to be." I found so much comfort in that and I hope you do to. Know that I am praying for all of you and I hope finding comfort in our creator will bring you out of your darkness and give you strength.

God Provides :)

I just finished a mini movie night in the living room with the laptop and my kitties. As much as I would've loved a snuggle buddy, that didn't have claws, I am so happy. Since high school I've been asking for a partner in this life. God's answer since day one has been not now. I'm not very patient, but for Him to give me time to learn about me and the rest of His handy work is AWESOME!

Even though I griped every valentines day and school dance, but He still showed me His love. And as I am constantly showed, we find our hope, our drive, and reason for living in that love. God has you where you are for a reason. As much as it seems like torture it's a necessary and temporary discomfort that will give you a glimpse into His immense love if you're open. A glimpse into the love we should seek and always cling to.

So be content in your place in this world and remember God has one of three answers to your requests: Yes, No, or Not Now. And your response should be, "Thy will be done." It's not easy, but this is how you learn compromise and patience for your human relationships. It may not seem like it, but He is giving you all of the tools so use them! We are His children and He is a patient parent. Be present to Him and He will be present to you.