True Joy

On St. Thomas Aquinas's feast day his quotes were all over Facebook. The quote below in particular was eye catching. It captioned pictures of joyous saints like St. John Paul II and children playing. The posts were widely shared and seemed to impact many people, including myself.

"No man truly has joy unless he lives in LOVE." - St. Thomas Aquinas

This understanding of true love causing true Christian joy has become a frequent conversation in my daily prayers. Love & happiness are the most attractive traits, the most sought after feelings, the most studied subjects, and still continue to be an unfolding, yet uncontainable mystery for most. They are hard to define and far surpass any other feelings. From what I've seen you must make a choice to devote time and energy towards another person to truly love them. True love is selfless & above all sacrificial. So if you work towards & find that true love you're sure to know that true joy.

Giggles in the retreat house.

My Mom & stepfather are characters.

Isn't this what we were made for? If we were made to know, love, and serve God then we must be made for joy as well. If this is true why do we feel so guilty for having good fun? Or laughing out loud? I don't know about you, but for the longest time I hated my laugh. Every time I giggled, chortled, cackled, burst, chuckled, laughed, tittered, tee-hee'd, or sniggered, it was always the same. I would get red & close my eyes. Tears would stream down my face as I rocked back & forth practically wheezing as I laughed. Then, if it was a really good laugh I might even break the capillaries in my face causing me to be speckled for days. It was so embarrassing... However, my teammate Angelle, loved my laugh. My hoodlums loved my laugh. Everyone seemed to love my laugh.

So I asked God why He and others loved my laugh. I wanted an answer, but I got a question, "Why do you laugh that way?" So I thought. Well, I grew up in a home full of love. Not a day went by that we didn't laugh. It was always more than just a reaction to a joke. It was a reaction to the love my mother provided in a very sacrificial, devoted way of life. She gave up a lot for my sisters and I. Daily she strived to teach us that God is love, that we are loved, and that that fact will never change. No matter how sad or stressful a day was, she had a smile on her face, plenty of witty comebacks, & perfect stories. She is still one of the happiest people I know because she seeks love above all else. It has never been all rosy for her, but man her laugh is great. I realized I laugh so loud and so hard because of the love she shows me. Further, I laugh the way I do because of the love the Father shows me. I can try to change my laugh, but in doing so I wouldn't be me.

I'm not attempting to reduce all that is true Christian joy to laughter, but in my own life I've come to know the love of God and joy through our very humorous relationship. Over the last two years it's been quite a joy. I am living in so much love that I wake up, go about much of my day, & go to sleep with a smile on my face. I see more of life through the lens of love and light than I ever have before. There is something about actively seeking & doing God's will that just naturally places you in love and gives you those experiences of joy. I'm not really sure how I even survived a few years before this mission.

"Man cannot live without joy; therefore when he is deprived of true spiritual joys it follows that he becomes addicted to carnal pleasures." - St. Thomas Aquinas

I was merely existing. My will was much more important than God's and I would justify my actions with statements like, "God allowed it, so it must be His will. Right?" Wrong. I was just going through the motions. I would talk with God occasionally. I would do "His work", but seldom did I seek His counsel. Even still he provided me with so much grace in that time. The most important thing I've learned during my time here in the Pacific Northwest is that I must seek His will and His love above all else or I am doomed to fail. When I am not talking with Him, I am not loving Him. If I am not loving Him then I know no true joy. St. Thomas's words above ring very true. It's really hard to fall when you allow someone to support you. I'm not sure why I ever believed I could do anything without Him, but I am forever grateful He's provided me the love to live a life of True Joy. Seek the LORD above all else & you will always know His true love and joy.

34 Hours and 28 Minutes

Two months ago I packed up my life and walked into the Dayton International airport to leave for a ten month internship in Bremerton, WA. My mother drove me there and waited with me as I checked my bags. We walked to the security line and I fiddled with my ticket trying to think of something to say. She just asked if I had everything and stuffed a few extra snacks into my carry-on.

Before I knew it she looked at me with tears behind her purple reading glasses. We hugged each other hoping to make the hug last until my Christmas break in December. Soon it was time to go and she just smiled and said, "I love you. Have a good time." I'm still not sure how she did that without crying, but then again mothers are superheroes.

I'm sure that's one of the hardest things either of us have done, but what amazes me is that we weren't scared. She knew God would watch over me and I knew he'd watch over her. This is the definition of faith; knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that God has your best interests at heart. God has given the two of us so much grace through this journey.

Though we're thirty four hours and twenty eight minutes, if I got in my car and drove, our relationship has never been stronger. God called the two of us to this journey and has blessed us since that first prayer.

You Are Called

I’ve been absent from this blog for quite a while because God has been doing some work. You know how He likes to specialize in that “sandpaper ministry”. This past year has been incredible and hectic, fruitful and exasperating, joyous and trying.

It all started when I got home from my first year at the St. John Bosco conference last July. My heart could not have been more on fire for God when I got home. By that August I was in a small Christian community and openly defending the faith in my Eastern religions class, that’s another story. And by that November I was busy, successful, and then there was this guy…

I thought we were made for each other. Our meeting from the beginning was truly written by God, but ours wasn’t the ending I wanted. The sandpaper came in here because I was stuck between, “This guy is what I want” and “Is he what I need?” We didn’t make it and I was angry with God. For a while things were great and I was comfortable and then all of the sudden things sucked.

As if things couldn’t get worse, in prayer God told me to look for a job. I ignored Him for months making all kind of excuses. Finally, the “sandpaper” wore me thin and I knew I had to trust Him in this moment. I found five youth ministry jobs I would like and applied for an internship in Washington. My immediate thought was, “He won’t send me there, but I can at least say I tried.”

And wouldn’t you know it, I was hired in less than twenty-four hours. God is very funny and always has our best interests at heart even when we’re brats. Had you told me this time last year that I would be moving across the country I would've had you committed. For the longest time I’ve said, “If I’m doing youth ministry I’m doing it in Ohio!”

Had I been given my way I would probably be in a dead end relationship and too frustrated to be able to grow a fruitful ministry. As much as that “sandpaper” hurts we need to offer our suffering up with the knowledge that it will help another; all while remembering that God loves us and is with us always. God doesn’t call the equipped he equips the called and it takes work.

The sooner we let God take over the better. Trust me I know it’s not easy. I leave for Washington in eight days and it’s been tough, but it’s the moments that make you the most uncomfortable that prove to be the most rewarding. I can’t wait to see what happens next because this is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Pray that you and I may be given the strength to give God the control and trust that he has us in His hands.

Thriving in the Loneliness

How many times have you heard someone say, “You are not alone.” Many of you can think of at least a few times when this has happened, but how many of you believed it? As you think about it maybe you have the image of a family member or friend saying this to you and you shaking your head like, “Yeah right.” As much as you hate to hear it, they were right.

As human beings and people of faith we will go through seasons of blessings, belief, doubt, and despair. Each of these seasons is determined by our faith and when you’re lonely it’s hard to keep praying. It is so easy to just go through the motions. Whether you’re married, single, or living the religious life. You will be lonely it’s a fact of life. Your spouse is not the source of your contentment. No amount of school activities will fill your void. A community on it’s own cannot provide you with the support you’re seeking. So, what is the key?

In my small Christian community we’ve been studying the Theology of the Body. Every Tuesday afternoon we get together and listen to a talk and talk about what we heard. Tonight we talked about how hungry human beings are. We hunger to fill our void. We hunger for love, but the love we seek cannot be achieved unless we seek God. God is love, right? We are created to know, love, and serve Him, right?

As I sat and listened I felt so stupid! Our society would have us believe that we need a romantic relationship to fill our void or money, or a big house and the list goes on and on. The only thing that will fill that hunger, the same “hunger that drives great saints to know God” is GOD. (TOB)

Our problem is that we look for something to fill that void in all the wrong places. Christopher West from Theology of the Body explains this paradox very well, “That same hunger that drives great saints to know God can drive them to be great sinners.” I had never thought of it that way.

This is why being lonely sucks. The expression “being surrounded by a sea of people and feeling all alone” perfectly describes how I feel as a single person. It is so hard to wake up and go about my day and go to bed alone. Even though people at school and around town surround me at the end of the day I have two cats and a quiet home to go to. That’s not the kind of life I aspired to live. That’s not the life I read about in storybooks. That’s not the life happy people live.

Wrong. Plenty of happy people live a similar life. They are happy because they are thriving in their loneliness and/or singleness. They are walking with God. Every time they get lonely they can remember God is there. He may not be tangible in the moment, but he is there for you. He’s the listening ear, the song on the radio, and the pleasant weather. He’s even in your positive thinking about your current life.

A marriage may not last your whole life. You may not always live in a Christian community. Your singleness may not last forever. Even if your marriage lasts forever there will be business trips and times spent apart. Even in your community you will need to retreat. Even in your singleness you have the best companion. Being lonely sucks, but God can cure it.

Seek Him in your church communities. Get involved in Christ centered projects and groups. Pray everyday and build a relationship with Him. Serve Him with your gifts. Glorify Him in all that you do. God will fill your hunger and to do this you need to get to know Him.

Over the past month I've been struggling with this issue. It has been so hard to stay positive and not let myself be dismayed over not having a companion. But one of my fellow small Christian community participants put it perfectly, "He has you where you need to be." I found so much comfort in that and I hope you do to. Know that I am praying for all of you and I hope finding comfort in our creator will bring you out of your darkness and give you strength.

God Provides :)

I just finished a mini movie night in the living room with the laptop and my kitties. As much as I would've loved a snuggle buddy, that didn't have claws, I am so happy. Since high school I've been asking for a partner in this life. God's answer since day one has been not now. I'm not very patient, but for Him to give me time to learn about me and the rest of His handy work is AWESOME!

Even though I griped every valentines day and school dance, but He still showed me His love. And as I am constantly showed, we find our hope, our drive, and reason for living in that love. God has you where you are for a reason. As much as it seems like torture it's a necessary and temporary discomfort that will give you a glimpse into His immense love if you're open. A glimpse into the love we should seek and always cling to.

So be content in your place in this world and remember God has one of three answers to your requests: Yes, No, or Not Now. And your response should be, "Thy will be done." It's not easy, but this is how you learn compromise and patience for your human relationships. It may not seem like it, but He is giving you all of the tools so use them! We are His children and He is a patient parent. Be present to Him and He will be present to you.

All Was Well

This post is in honor of the one year anniversary of the end of an era. Harry Potter will always be my first love. The series brought me into the world of imagination and amazing writing. I only pray that one day my children will have such an amazing thing as Harry Potter. It is the truest love story I’ve ever seen.

1. If you went to Hogwarts which house would you be sorted in?

On Pottermore I was sorted into Hufflepuff and I think it’s fitting, but I would love to be a Gryffindor. When reading and watching I always thought I would be a good Gryffindor.

2. Have you ever been to the HP midnight release?

I have never been because Harry Potter has always been a family thing and well my parents go to bed early.

3. What did you think of the Deathly Hallows?

I haven’t read the book yet, but it was amazing! Honestly, I think they’re my favorite movies.

4. How many times have you reread the books?

Once, I am in the middle of the first book and read part of Goblet of Fire when it was given to me for my birthday. Unfortunately I have since lost my copy.

5. Whose death was the saddest?

All of the deaths were hard on me, but four really stick out.

-When I saw Dumbledore die I was crushed. He wasn’t just a man filled with wisdom he symbolized growing old, but staying childlike.

-Lupin because I always felt connected to his character. He reminded me of a wonderful religion teacher I had that was always there to talk to.

-Dobby was the hardest on me because Dobby was everyone’s friend. I love Dobby because he just exudes happiness and purity.

-Snape because I was loyal to him from day one. When Harry first looked at him I knew there was something more. I still sympathize with him.

6. If you went to Hogwarts would you rather have an owl, a cat, or a rat?

Even though I own cats I love owls. They are the most intriguing creature.

7. What do you think of the movie Half-Blood Prince?

            I have a love hate relationship with the movie because it was brilliant, but Dumbledore :(

8. What do you think of the Deathly Hallows being split in two?

           It gave people time to appreciate the beauty of the series and properly grieve.

9. Have you read the Tales of Beedle the Bard?

I want to so badly; it’s on my Amazon wish list begging to be purchased.

10. When did you first become a Potter fan?

At an Easter egg hunt I picked up the golden egg, which won me a top prize. Among the prizes was a VHS tape of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. This was the first time I had encountered Harry Potter and my love was instant.

Favorite…

11. Female character?

I’d have to go with Luna Lovegood. She is one heck of a character and with all her quirks she’s wiser than all of them.

12. Male character?

The twins because they are just too amazing. I love them so much.

13. Professor?

Professor McGonagall because Dame Maggie Smith did her the utmost justice and she is a completely developed character with lovely detail.

14. Death Eater?

Bellatrix Lestrange, of course, because she is insane and twistedly funny.

15. Magical creature?

House Elves, Pestrals, and whatever Buckbeak is are all my favorites.

16. Spell?

Lumos & Nox or the one for apparating because all three are great. 

17. Quote?

“You’re a wizard Harry!”

18. Place?

Hogsmeade or the Great Hall

19. Weasley?

Molly.

20. Couple?

Hagrid and Madame Maxime.

21. Which of the hallows would you want and why?

         I would want either the cloak of invisibility or the stone.

-Cloak: I could do so much with this cloak. I could travel for free and see every corner of the world. I could hide from bad guys, if you know me at all I am way to paranoid!

-Stone: I would bring my grandmother back so she could settle things and give her kids what for. And it would be nice if we could have one last slice of sugar cream pie after a game of 500 Rum.

Fruits of Your Labor

One of the many joys of working with kids is knowing you’re doing something good, something that may change their lives. Seldom will you see the fruits of your labor, but when you do it is something amazing. When you’ve seen the impact you’ve made on someone’s life it reenergizes you when you’re ready to quit. I have to say the glimpses I’ve seen have kept me going for some time now. But as I begin my certification in less than a week I am reflecting on them more and more.

The first time a kid said I inspired them was probably in my high school youth group. We had ended group for the night and I asked him how his week went. He told me he had to write a paper and that he actually enjoyed it. After some conversation he told me the paper was about someone who was a “Living Saint”. He had written the paper about me. At the time I’m not sure I was as appreciative as I should’ve been, but after all this time I’m still in awe. This instance really committed me to living out God’s plan for me. Honestly, without it I doubt I’d still be pursuing a career in youth ministry.

The most recent one was between my sister, Erin, and I over Facebook. Now, our relationship has suffered since I moved out, but we’ve been seeing each other a lot recently. Last night she posted one of those “truth is” statuses and I liked it just for fun. Normally people don’t really tell you the truth, but this time she did. I cried when read what she wrote on my wall. The message said, “The truth of one Emma: You are a very good person inside and out. I realize that I could be a better sibling to you. I also realize your frustrations are truly real. I thank you for being my guide through this world because you are the oldest and will experience most of the world before me.” More often than not I have neglected my family while ministering to others.  But she still had something truly real to say after everything we’ve been through. That's us in a face off in the picture above.

These are the two events that really stick out to me and I’m sure there are countless others, but in the words of Soren Kierkegaard, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Everyone will have similar events in their own lives, but you may not realize it at the time. With this we must live because of these events rather than dwell on topping them. No one will ever give me a better feeling than the one my sister gave me as I read that sentiment, but I’m still going to keep ministering. These wonderful lives I’ve touched give me hope for the future and remind me that we are all a part of something bigger. 

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